Apologizing

I posted to facebook the other day a quote that a friend had posted on his wall:

Apologizing doesn't always mean that you are wrong 

and the other person is right. 

It just means you value your relationship 

more than your ego. 

I really like this.  I think that we let our ego or pride thwart the deep and soul-enriching relationships that could be.  We may find ourselves not opening up to others or behaving badly out of pride or for no reason at all or for good reason, we were hurt and are in self-protection mode.  

This is probably done because people live their lives unaware and led by their ego.  If they were aware that their ego was shaping their decisions, and consequently their actions, and therefore the way they treat and are perceived by others AND if they could get over their pride, and make positive changes to their behavior, I believe that their lives would be more fulfilling and ultimately happy. 

I have been told that some people are "just that way."  What a cop out!  What are humans if not incapable of changing and shaping their behavior?  In life we are presented with this scene, for which their is no script, just cues that are our personality, character, and past experiences to help us make decisions.  

I urge you all (and I try this myself) to think about each decision before it's made.  To not jump to conclusions or let my pride get in the way.  To live life with honest, kind intentions and pray for the best.  If you know you were kind to others and true to yourself, your life will probably be more fulfilled and happy.  

Traveling brings out the...best and worst in people?

Traveling provides me with so much social commentary.  (read, Sally-rant)

First.  The little girl in the seat behind me would on occasion kick my seat.  She was 4ish years old and figuring out life.  At one point, after a particularly hard jolt I got to the seat back, I turned around to say something but the mother intercepted. "Sweetie, you can't do that.   The lady in front of you paid for that seat, you only paid for your so you can do what you want to your seat but you aren't allowed to touch hers because she paid for it."

Little girl: "She bought the seat?"

Mom: "No, she rented it, so to speak.  So during the time we're on the plane, it's hers and you can't kick it because she paid money for it and we didn't.  You only paid for the seat that you are in so you just stay in that seat and touch it but you don't touch other ones because we didn't pay money for them"

Are you serious?  Is that how some parents teach their children to be kind to other people or respectful or considerate?  That other people paid for something and we didn't so we have to respect their space or them, period?  The approach I had when I was raised was "you don't do that, that's rude," but I'm also familiar with the sympathy/compassion approach, "how would that make you feel if someone spent the entire flight kicking the back of your chair while you are sitting peacefully in it trying to enjoy a book?"

Is money the deterrent to bad behavior?  Is money or ownership what drives us to be kind to one another or considerate? Is that what our society is coming to?  That we teach our children that we paid for something and therefore can do with it what we please but have to respect the things that other people paid for.  Does this mean that one with money is respectable but (s)he who does not have money is not?  Is there not dignity and the respect for the other human?  Do we not feel that we ought to respect others because they deserve it?  Or following the golden rule, because that's how we want to be treated?  I was dumbfounded.  Appalled and it made me sad.

Then.  We were in queue to board a shuttle in the airport to go to our gate and a woman, the first woman in the queue wheeled up her suitcase and was holding her big coat and her huge over-the-shoulder-bag and stopped at the door of the shuttle.  She started to organize her things and said "well I'm going to hold everyone up here," she was anxiously jamming the retractable rolly-handle back into the suitcase (which of course, wasn't cooperating).  I asked "can I help?" She looked at me and rolled her eyes, she laughed and said "never, I'm not one of those."  I don't quite know what one of those means but someone that accepts help?  Maybe she thinks one of those is a helpless person who cannot take care of him/herself.  I thought how ugly her response was, coming from a place of utter pride and insecurity.  I thought of something one of my favorite people in the world says "A thank you would suffice."  You don't need to prove who you are or aren't you can just gracefully accept that others want to help you and not just you, want to help people.

**writing this at the airport, so I apologize for any misspellings or grammar erros.  

Use your words

Use your words.  Those are three words that a preschool teacher or the parent of a toddler repeats regularly. But like most lessons we teach our children, they continue to be applicable in the adult world where we don't have a preschool teacher or parent to point us in the right direction every time we commit a social boo-boo (like being nice to one another).  Use your words for children is asking them to not throw a tantrum but use their verbal skills to express what it is they want/don't want, like/dislike, etc.  Use your words for adults implies say what you mean and mean what you say.  Although it could mean the same as the toddler version, but I would like to think that most adults developed verbal skills along with their adult-body.  I've been wrong before. 

I bring this up because I was reflecting on sarcasm that is used by many to express appreciation, interest or intended to be a form of flirting.  You often hear people saying something mean and sarcastic in an effort to mask their feelings of awe, appreciation, or gratitude of another person.  For example, I gave somebody something I had made the other day and asked for their opinion.  The response I received was "I'm sure it sucks." What?!  It's not that I think that what I made is good but a thank you would suffice.  Why would one say that?  Is it a defense mechanism?  Covering up for personal insecurities?  I was taught that it's nice to be nice to other people and that my words are the most socially prominent way of communicating my feelings.  When somebody brings you something they made or bought or a flower they picked for you, or whatever why wouldn't you explicitly and overtly express your appreciation of it? (Even if you don't appreciate it mama taught me to say thank you, always.)  This mean-sarcasm nonsense is foolish and juvenile.  I do not condone this behavior.  I think it's lovely to be charming and sweet, it makes people feel good.  And if people don't know how to respond to it, well shame on them, they ought to learn.  One doesn't have to get "awkward" (another notion I dislike, but I'll save that for another rant).  You say thank you.  Or you say what you mean!  "I appreciate the flowers you brought me," "I really enjoyed spending time with you," "I would like to get to know you more," "I appreciate your insight," "I would prefer not to stay out all night, thank you, let's have lunch instead."  Say what you  mean and mean what you say.  Use your words.  

Love in everyday life

I read this great article about redefining love that a dear friend shared with me.  (You should read it) But it says "Love, as your body experiences it, is a micro-moment of connection shared with another."  I'm sure you've felt it before, someone does something special for you, the cashier smiles at you as you check out of the grocery store or someone compliments you.  Many of us have this preconceived notion of love that it must be this and that and it must occur in these steps and takes that long to cultivate, etc etc etc.  However there are different kinds of love...love isn't just what two people share in a marriage, there is so much more to love than that.  A lot of my friends live this way, that is, in the moment and making every connection with another human being matter.  Giving another person your full attention, a little piece of your heart and opening your heart to him/her.  This can be in the form of a good conversation, a walk with a friend, something you genuinely share with someone else, looking another human being in the eyes when you talk to them and smiling at him/her.  Oftentimes I find that we put up barriers, we go through life with tunnel-vision, blind to the beauty that surrounds us but if we would let ourselves just open up a bit, feel happiness, even love for one another, maybe we could live a little bit happier.  Look people in the eyes, share a moment with them...it doesn't need to go anywhere, let's just appreciate the moment we have with others.    

"Little by little, love begets love by improving your health. And health begets health by improving your capacity for love."

Here's to love!

Once you blow open a mind, there's so much that mind can absorb

I happened upon a panel discussion of students from MIIS' spring break trips yesterday evening.  (MIIS = Monterey Institute of International Studies) A couple of students had visited Washington DC, others Taiwan and China, another to the UN in New York and another to Cuba.  The facilitator asked them questions about their experiences, things they had learned, "ah-ha" moments and advice they had for students.  It was very inspiring to listen to what these students from modest Monterey had witnessed, experienced and lived.  

A woman sitting near me in the audience raised her hand and added to what the student who had visited Cuba had commented about perspective (he had said that visiting Cuba blew his mind).  This woman, who turned out to be Professor Jan Knippers Black, said, "Once you blow open a mind, there's so much that mind can absorb."  That stuck with me.  We go through life with our pre-conceived notions, we all do whether we want to admit it or not.  In doing so, we inhibit ourselves from seeing things differently.  Something may not necessarily be right or wrong but we can learn from it, we can adopt in our lives small changes simply from observing how other people live and behave.

Conflicts are started because we assume that those people are doing things the wrong way, they are vehemently anti-"our way" and therefore we must change them or isolate ourselves from them, etc.  How much of life do we miss out on that way?  Imagine if we withheld judgement and looked at other people, cultures, political systems, you name it, as simply different and something from which we can learn.  This is where our mind can absorb things at face value, rather than be muddied by a pall of judgement and preconception.  So next time you watch the news or see something that is different to you, try to assess it with an open mind.  There will be things that even after open-mindedly assessing, you will be opposed to (FGM or slavery, for example), that is alright, but there will be many things that if inspected from another angle, can teach you something (i.e. governments investing in human capital).  

Unbelievable

I ran into a couple of male colleagues on the way back to my office from lunch today.  We stopped and made small talk.  As we were parting ways, one of them said to me, "you ladies here are really attractive, but you need to stop getting so intelligent or you will turn into men." 

What? 

My face dropped and I said something profane.  Then apologized for my profanity and said "excuse me, that is extremely insulting."

He shrugged it off, claiming it was only a joke.  

I said "that is not a joke, that is rude and not right."  

He admitted that it was a "bit misogynistic." 

I said "yes, it was and I don't want to talk to you right now because I am at work and don't want to say anything I will regret."  I had a very serious look on my face and he asked if I was really upset. 
 
"Yes, I'm not kidding."  I said, in a very serious tone.  I think he was taken back.  And maybe he was joking but jokes like that oughtn't be made.  Those types of jokes could be heard by people who actually believe that or are not mature enough to tell the difference or know that that's not right and they take it as reality.  It encourages behavior to insult the intelligence and intellectual capacity of half the population of the world.  It sets us back and is just downright unacceptable.  

That actually happened.